paterfamilias, coda.

start here: a boy was born, became a man, and died.
you can assume much of what happened in between. 
you can assume there was love, and laughter, and tears, and blood. 
to a value of correct, you are correct. you are allowed your assumptions; the man is dead, and cannot argue.

continued, there was a life. there is no longer a life. you are allowed your feelings on the matter,
but keep them to yourself, would you?
we've already spent too much time talking about this. people are tired.
life goes on, without him.

i age, and i have lived more life without him than with him. i will always have spent more time in this absence.
i'll say it plainly,
missing him is easier. 

alive he was hard anger. alive he was clotted oil and drink. alive was slowly dying.
i exist in counterpoint, i say 
i started here and here, and here i restarted,
and my family sees you in my face, and they don't know how to talk to a ghost, and so there's a dial tone shaped like you.

you're not here for me to tell you the way your best friend died.
i'll carry that, too, the mourning; you can't. your absence ate a hole in a living man and now you're both gone.
it's ugly. two men are dead. the world moved on.

here i am - continuum. i am the echo of the man you were too afraid to be. 
i go on without you. your song is over,
and yet i am haunted by your leitmotif. 
i am living echo, i am the life you cannot live. i am the only memory you live within.

i did not know you. somewhere between the water and the blood you took a knife and carved yourself away from yourself.
you left me with remains. you were dead while you were breathing,
it took your body a while to catch up.
              

un//familiar

am i blind? are there eyes with which to see that i have never grown,
do i know you? stranger, other, lover
each cut of the knife a twisted greeting; hello, i looked at you once but my eyes were closed
and i sculpted from the shadows there and named it "you"
i call myself helena, proclaim myself your dog, follow you on bent knee
and when you consent to remove your armor i, dog, bite
the texture of your openness is exquisite and i feast
i beg you to forgive me with your blood on my chin and you do, you do, and the sweetness of it overwhelms me
you took the knife i made you and cut a hole in the side of your chest where i sleep
wordless, your quick acceptance of me shattering stone with its volume.
i made myself a mad girl and you ripped the screen from my eyes 
i seek now to paint a softer picture, the way hands skate on the dip of a waist,
clay, un-clay, un-fired, un-real, noose and shadows on the wall
i turn and face the brightness of the sun.
              

recursion.

fifteen again,
biggest concerns are the ghosts in my bedroom
and the 2008 financial collapse.

i'll carve out a place here with my teeth or,
whatever,
who cares?

i've just never been so angry or so in love with february
the way the winter lets her bra strap shimmy off her shoulder
and kisses me on the mouth, grey

i don't fit in here, alright, everything's a little uncomfortable
take an x-ray
see the space under my diaphragm?
it's been there all along, filled up with pink glitter, let me taste your breath

rain puddles up to my knees, the air is wet and oily
rainbows shimmer around the old church

i'm walking backwards so we can keep talking,
haven't seen you in too many years
sorry babe, the phone's just heavy
let's do it again, let's be on purpose
there's lipstick on my smile, i'll get it this time
              

for rachel

i thought i heard you calling, 
i came running, sick dog, spaniel at your heels
oasis girl, moonlit, don't you know i'm ruined?

green light, green glass, red blood aches black against the floor

i don't remember my name today, so i'll pray yours.
i lost myself somewhere in a winding wire maze
there's a whisper in my ear that aches like water
it all goes fuzzy around the edges except for you.
every horror story is a love story if it hurts enough.
              

gravitational vignettes

i think of gravity and lines
the vibrations between us and how
when we are held
pieces shake off and mix up
maybe love is holding enough of someone within yourself that you don't forget
quiet vignettes where we fall together like gravity
moments that imprint themselves upon us like fingerprints in clay
the moon of me crashing into waves of you
home is where i've left the most of myself behind
in places i could trust to find it
a million ways, a million pieces of dirt stuck beneath my nails
a hand, a kiss, a breath in sweet blue
laughter and forgetting
i will know it when i have my coffee, warm and ready
and yours

twin systems

the more i touch you, the more i become of you
electrons pass from atom to atom when i brush my fingers against yours
i leave a piece of myself behind, too
a memory of myself held in your body

the more i reach you, the more i become of you
twin stars in eternal dance
lovers pulling each other closer draped in velvet sky
we pull tight and lose a little more of our self-ness to same-ness

the more i watch you, the more i become of you
i let you pull my tides to shore 
i'll never have you and you'll never let me go
it's enough that you pull me to and fro

heads or tails