journal
01/21/25
card of the day: the spring mother. the consequences of your actions.
i am fighting everything in me not to be asleep right now. i have got to stop fucking up my sleep schedule every weekend.
...oh. lol. anyway.
my poetry was positively compared to richard siken so that's it, my ego is the size of texas and i'm never coming down.
but in actuality, i feel too scattershot again. there's just SO much happening. i need to recalibrate where i'm putting my energy, because feeling like i need to be doing everything all the time forever isn't helpful to anyone. i think that's a tomorrow thing, though - i'm still not feeling 100%.
01/20/25
card of the day: the tenth of autumn. safety, surety, security.
elon musk gave the sieg heil. trump is promising manifest destiny. it's hard to feel okay right now. i dunno. what do you even do when it feels like 1933? ICE raids in the midwest, shutting down the border, promising to walk back inclusivity. gulf of america, jesus christ. "think local not global" but people are dying. it's easy to judge people in retrospect, good germans, but now i'm starting to wonder how many of them were sitting alone in the dark and wondering how they could possibly stand up against an oncoming storm? just another body to be mowed down and in the meantime who would tell your mother, you know? but here i am. another good german. god, i hope not, but what the fuck can we do? i'm not joking, i'm open for suggestions. they've taken the bread from the mouths of children and burnt down the circus tents, but they'll repossess my car if i don't make payments, you know? i keep promising myself i'll do what i can but what can i do when the goal posts keep moving.
i don't know. i'm terrified. nothing makes sense. it wasn't supposed to be like this.
01/19/25
cards of the week: the summer lady, the lantern and the well, the winter solstice. balanced on a precipice between nurturing the creative in me and giving in to the status quo. choices to be made.
given the topics i was already discussing with friends? apt.
last night was dnd, which was fantastic. i also got to join vmvc for a bit after, which was fun. i'm really excited for the stuff going on there.
i got sick really suddenly yesterday, and while i'm feeling a bit better i'm still pretty braindead. i'm not demanding much of myself today. it's a bummer, there's stuff i wanted to do, but like... if i push myself TOO hard while feeling overwhelmed, i'll fall apart. sustain, don't sprint.
if i feel more like myself tomorrow, i'll plan out a few projects and see how i can do with those. i wish i could be more disciplined about what ways i'm being creative when but it seems to come and go as it wants. this month was supposed to be for painting but i haven't done much of it, at least not much that i'm satisfied with. mehhh.
brain dead hours let's goooo.
01/18/25
card of the day: the empty throne. out of balance, struggle.
feeling less grouchy today, yay!
dnd tonight, and b's been doing SO much work. i really admire how motivated he is by other people, sometimes. it's amazing to see him feeling more creatively fulfilled, and pushing to make an awesome experience for so many people. the party is huge and he's such a trooper for making that work.
it's cool to have cool friends.
i am really lucky that way.
01/17/25
card of the day: the eighth of summer. getting ready for good things!
today was the first day in a while i've woken up just absolutely wiped. i still managed to stay up and do most of my routine but woof. i didn't stay up later than normal, so i'm not really sure what's going on there. unfortunately, i'm also in a pretty foul mood. not sure what i can do to cheer myself up but i need to figure something out 'cause i have to be customer-perky in an hour. lord help us. it's crazy, 'cause i went to sleep right after finishing the last entry and i was in such a good mood then. i dunno.
01/16/25
card of the day: the winter queen. an unbeatable challenge.
i think sometimes that the normal tarot is a little... intense for daily use.
watched clerks w b last night and i liked it a lot. i can see where that would have done something to me as a person if i watched it when i was young. i'll post the rest of my thoughts in the media room, though.
distracted today.
coming back to this at around 11pm. today was frustrating in a lot of ways. but right now, i'm listening to a playlist made by a friend. i had a good dinner (gyoza!). i got to spend time with friends two days in a row.
i am often surrounded by love that i fail to recognize. tonight is a good night.
tracklist:
- boats & birds - gregory and the hawk
- cannons - youth lagoon
- cathy come home - flyte
- clementine - elliott smith
- dappled light - luke howard
- how do i tell a girl i want to kiss her - bren lukens
- i was born (a unicorn) - the unicorns
- if you feel alone at parties - blvck hippie
- kids will be skeletons - mogwai
- peach moon - the unicorns
- people can't stop chillin - SPORTS
- samaa' baltha - nabeel
- set piece - vansire
- taking pictures - the kooks
- the fort - zack villere
- the SEA - kinokoteikoku
- welcome and goodbye - dream/ivory
- you were cool - the mountain goats
- ゆめうつつ - lamp
01/15/25
card of the day: the spring knight iii. a test of one's strength.
it's odd, to be surrounded by both more and less love than i thought. i need to not begrudge anyone their choices here, though. it's sad, but an appropriate sadness. one i can deal with, and get past.
it's going to be genuinely difficult to keep up with the bands i like and tours and stuff, which is fine but also annoying. like i have some workarounds but how the fuck did people do this before the internet? i mean i have some idea but like. i dunno. the world moves, i guess.
been listening to the bandcamp weekly mixes and just vibing, so that's fun.
i'm reading these blog posts on other sites and i'm seeing people get really introspective and poetic with it, and i feel like what i'm saying is somewhere between perfunctory and annoying. and like, yeah, what's the point of comparing blogging styles? and maybe one day i will write interesting essays, and people will scroll back to entries like this and be like "wow her writing has improved so much". but i don't have a lot to say right now! i mean, i do, but i don't have a lot that i feel like needs to be said? like, i know this whole thing is an exercise in creating just for myself - i see the numbers moving around that indicates people have, in fact, read at least some of what i post here but that's an abstraction. there's no interaction here, and that's a choice i made and one i'm satisfied with. so why compare myself to anyone else? who benefits from that? if i had something to say, i would say it.
i see poets writing with the royal we and i'm envious and confused. what are they a part of? why am i separate? what collective is out there waiting?
it's all just affectation.
01/14/25
card of the day: the second of autumn. a gathering, found family.
weird.
made up my mind to completely get rid of facebook. i'm sick of it. i don't want to keep supporting something that i genuinely hate so much. and maybe i'm being dramatic or whatever but i don't care, i don't want to keep being a part of this. i'll leave up my goodbye message for a couple of days and past that point if people want to get in touch with me they'll have to find a way 'cause i'm. not doing this.
i've got a lot on my mind but not much that i can really articulate. i'm not in a bad mood, necessarily, just my brain being a lot. it feels like there's a lot that i'm not thinking about if that makes sense.
but, like, it is kinda remarkable that i'm doing consistently well. like i feel good most of the time. i should probably get more sleep.
i'm avoiding it. ugh.
being in the hospital always brings back dad feelings, and those are complicated and ugly and easier unaddressed. but there we go. okay.
01/13/25
card of the day: the last quarter. the night is long and dark.
b's mom is ill, so i'm driving out that way to see them today. normally i wouldn't fuss, but she's really not great and i've got a little time to visit. i wanna bring a gift but idk what would be appropriate and welcome here, so my presence is the present or something, idk.
b's worried, and i'm worried on his behalf. i'm not very good at being there for him when he needs me. i get caught up in what i would need in his position, and don't give him what he actually needs. knowing this has helped a little but even still, i don't think it's... yknow, whatever. and i tried to ask about it yesterday but i think i just gave him a panic attack, which. i dunno. i feel like i always have something to apologize for there.
like i wouldn't bring this up to him and yeah, i know he could theoretically be reading this but like i don't think anyone's actually paying attention to anything i'm writing here (thank fuck) so i'll just be honest, like i just know i'm not a very good friend to people when things get hard and i don't know how to fix that and it seems like i only ever really make things worse which like, alright, whatever, all i can ever do is my best but christ. even trying to make things better in the long run just makes things worse, but who cares.
and if i keep leaving holes where the ambiguity can get in i won't have to be vulnerable about it.
goddamn i'm in a mood today. i don't like thinking about this stuff.
everything in my day to day is still fine, i'm not like depressed or whatever, i'm just listening to music, it's whatever, i have coffee.
01/12/25
cards of the week: the mourning queen, the second of autumn, the autumn knight iii. gaining community but losing identity.
i can see that, i guess.
i am feeling functional and happy in a way i usually don't get to, and it's equally frightening (what if i can't keep this up?) and exciting (what if i can?). i know i can keep building on the good things - after all, i've managed to rebuild and keep things positive even after some pretty major losses.
i'm constantly afraid of getting worse, even when i have no reason to be.
01/11/25
card of the day: the mourning queen. loss, especially related to identity.
hm. ominous.
i'm awake on time on a saturday, where is my award that i have earned? who will be delivering my trophy? c'mon, i even cleaned my bathroom last night.
i think this has been a pretty productive week. my computer is running as it should, i think i finally figured out gaming on linux, i've been pretty good at waking up on time, i've kept to most of my personal goals... yeah. i mean, i need to figure out the "more physical activity" thing. ik i could use the stuff around the house even if there are people around, but it's hard. i wish r would just fucking. use his bedroom. so i could work out at night. but noooo. like it's fine but also ugh.
still, i'll figure something out. i just wanna work up to 30 minutes of deliberate activity every day. i know it's less than ideal but it's still more than i'm getting.
i've also decided to go back to meal prepping, which should be good. i'm not perfect at it, but any attempt is better than nothing.
positive changes that are easy to maintain for long term success hell yeah hell yeah.
01/10/25
card of the day: the ghost. something from the past, left unfaced.
guess whose computer is still functioninggggg. this is so #girl of me
i'm not used to having more than like, one or two people i consider friends at a time. but i think that's what's happening with the people in vm disc. and it's weird, and exciting, and new, and i'm happy but also like. stressed? wdym there are other people who like my company and want to talk to me. bullshit.
i'm clearly very normal and have no hangups at all in regards to my interpersonal relationships.
w and p and s are just, so nice, and it's nice to have people i have things in common with that i can talk to. i dunno. it feels very vulnerable to say "i'm not used to having friends" but here we are.
unrelated, there needs to be a way to search for a hotel based on whether or not they have a jacuzzi tub. it's obviously the most important thing.
01/09/25
card of the day: the seventh of winter. transformative change.
that... is actually kinda funny. lmao.
gonna be reinstalling debian, this time across the entire hard drive instead of partitioning two OSs. wish me luck. if you don't see anything here for a couple of days it's bc i did a fucky wucky.
01/08/25
card of the day: the second of spring. may the adventure begin!
i actually found a method for outlining my writing project that i don't hate. a christmas miracle or whatever.
normally i wouldn't bother, but this is a bit of a beast - spans four years and a LOT happening in that time. i don't like a lot of methods i've found (first this happens then these things happen kind of things), but i did make a timeline just to make things neat. a big barrier for me after a certain point was that like, all the events i was writing felt like they were floating in space. now i'm grounding them.
i can't stop listening to featuring mark hoppus acoustic. it's so good.
i wonder why i'm so sensitive to critique. it's not like i freak out over all of it, but when something challenges my self-perception i tend to get pissed off. i don't like that. i want to be able to listen to people's feedback with grace. maybe i can practice that this year? it would be good for me, stop snapping at people for no reason.
01/07/25
card of the day: the courteous king. may you choose kindness.
i think i'm doing so-so on my resolutions so far. not great, but i could definitely be doing much worse. i mean, it's only a week in though. still, i'd like to be doing more on the physical side of things. i just need to figure out how i'm gonna make that work.
i was able to meet with a writing group w friends from disc last night, and i am super happy with how that went. i got a lot of really positive feedback and i want to write more so i can share more with them next time.
i also did a piece of fan art i'm pretty proud of, so all over things are pretty good on the creative front.
i'm kinda surprised i'm not freaking out more about things with b. i mean, i've certainly thought about it all a lot. but i'm not spiraling, and i guess it feels like this is something i'd usually spiral about? not to look a gift horse in the mouth or whatever but yeah. i mean, it's not like i know for sure it'll never be a problem, but the fact that i'm calm about it is more than i usually get.
i am still trying not to give in to the bang whispers. i know it's so high maintenance. i know i shouldn't do it. i know i'd regret it. but...
01/03/25
card of the day: the autumn lady. moving on, often in a physical sense.
finally talked about something that's been bothering me with the person who needed to know, and it went well.
it feels so dumb and childish to be upset over christmas presents, but it does matter and it was okay to be upset. i'm mostly just glad it's done, thought.
things are generally looking good right now, and i'm happy with the direction my life is taking. i am very tired and don't want to work today, lol.
okay, and i'm gonna say this here - because i don't want real people to think i'm crazy, and i know nobody is reading this. but (for future reference, there were two incidents on nye that are currently being classified as terroristic attacks and both perpetrators were ex-mil and apparently knew each other/lived on the same base or something) i think it's a... not a cover-up but something like that. i think they're trying to make mangione seem like an actual terrorist, and in order for that to happen they have to show that he actually inspired terror. idkkkk it's not like the cia is ever gonna hop on nbc like "yeah we paid these guys families so that we could kill them uwu" but. cmon.
ok thanks for coming with me on that journey now to never talk about it again because, oh my god, brain rot is getting me.
01/02/25
card of the day: the autumn queen. a stunning reality check.
it is the goodest of mornings. i am feeling... great. unexpectedly great. even if i'm not really looking forward to today (who has two thumbs and asked for two ten hour shifts this week? :( ). i have high hopes for this year and the opportunities it will bring, and i think i'm ready for most challenges. and, i dunno. i'm just happy.
i have a plan. i have goals. time to stick to 'em!
01/01/25
happy new year! i always love the new year, it's so exciting. i love the excitement around new beginnings. it's so cool that the whole world celebrates it in some way.
spent last night with b and his family and had a blast. don't think i've had that much to drink in like... a decade lmao. thankfully i had water too so i'm barely hungover. wins on wins.
i'm feeling optimistic again. i can't wait to sit down and really work through my resolutions and how i plan to implement them. this year is gonna be tough, but not tougher than me!
12/25/24 pt. 2
it did not get better.
12/25/24 pt. 1
i get knocked down, i guess. i don't want to get too personal with it, but i'm already disappointed with christmas and it's only two am.
i'll be fine, it'll be fine, i'm not gonna let this ruin my holiday. i just wish... i dunno, that i felt more included in my family? that i felt like i belonged here and i wasn't just... around. i wish the people around me wanted to put as much effort into their relationship with me as i put into my relationship with them. i wish it felt like people thought about me after i left the room.
i can only control what i can control, though. so i'll keep doing what i do.
final episode of vm dropped today so at least there's that.
12/23/24
merry christmas, ya filthy animals.
i'm over at b's house now, we did our gift exchange and i'm so glad he enjoyed what i got him. him and his family also picked me up some thoughtful things, so it's already setting up to be a good holiday even if family stuff is disappointing.
it tends to be.
but i'm feeling optimistic about things, i'm so excited for the new year and all the opportunities it brings. i've always really loved the formality of new beginnings that a new year brings, even though you can really start new habits any time it's nice to be able to say that a certain time brings something special to everyone.
good things, good things.
12/17/24
things are going so, so well right now. i mean, they usually do go well this time of year... but still. i feel good, optimistic, stable.
i don't feel like it's two steps forward one step back anymore. it feels more like i'm making steady progress. and while it's fun to dream about making broad, sweeping changes, i'm happy that i'm improving my life at all.
i'm setting my new year's resolutions, setting up my planner, doing a bunch of creative work... things are good. yeah.
i felt this way last year, too, but losing my job really cut me off at the knees. i've recovered, and i'm very happy with where my life is today, but i hope that next year i don't have anything insane like that happen again.
12/11/24
had fun watching the game awards with b tonight. it honestly feels like we're getting even closer, and i'm thrilled. i also got them some really good christmas presents this year. i love having people in my life i can spoil. i'll share everything i picked up for friends and family after the holiday is over - i don't think anyone's reading this, but just in case i don't want to spoil anything c:
i'm honestly feeling really good about things lately. work has been kind of a challenge this week, but nothing crazy or like... you know, nothing i won't get past. just holiday stress, i think, for us and the customers.
i'm working on new content here off and on, nothing crazy but stuff that'll happen with time really. i'm having fun, but like most of my hobbies it'll come and go. i'm learning to be okay with that.
i had an ex who said i never finish anything. maybe he was right, but it's okay that i have so many things i love that i flit from one to the other. hobbies aren't about a product, they're about joy.
and, yeah, do i wish i could finish a book or do more knitting or whatever? yeah, of course. i need more discipline. like... in my life, in general. but i can learn that. i think it's harder to learn joy than discipline.
learning to do things just for me instead of for other people has been nice. it's a process, but it's a good one.
i want to add a badges/stickers page. i kind of already have one but i'd like to beef it up a bit. i want more "friends of the show" too. and i want to keep adding to the music page, share more of that... maybe i can do more media reviews in general? it'd be nice to have a place to look back and see what my thoughts were about. i've learned it's important to me to have a history of myself, which is a big part of why this website is a thing.
i want to set good intentions going into the new year. i've been thinking a lot about intentionality over the last few years, and not just living my life passively. making choices about how i invest my time, instead of wasting it waiting for the next thing to happen. i've got a planner i'm setting up, i might share that at the beginning of next year as a bit of accountability.
12/05/24
i haven't really had anything to talk about. i'm feeling super restless and aimless, like i have a ton of energy but don't know where to put it. it's frustrating. i'm frustrated. over nothing, really, but it's there. i feel like i need to be doing something, you know? but there's nothing to do.
well, i could be like. working on some stuff. but none of it feels particularly appealing. it's all difficult, and not in the fun way.
i dunno.
12/03/24
having a lot of feelings again, womp womp. not even bad feelings, just intense ones.
a drawback of bpd. sometimes even feelings that should be "normal" are ratcheted up to 11 for no goddamn reason, just a very intense neutrality that turns into longing for something. not sure what. never sure what.
it's fine, though. it usually passes in a day or two.
12/01/24
hap dember i'm a dumbass. had a blowout at like 4am because i didn't see a pothole, yippieeeee. it's all fine now but that was an expense i really didn't need. oh, well. worse has happened, i had the money to take care of it, nobody died. still. jesus, i felt stupid.
it's like, i have a yearly "tradition" of doing something stupid in my car. and i was doing so good this year
i've been having so much fun in the community that's built up around volrusk's work. this is the first time i've felt like i was really a part of something in a long time, and it's been nice.
i also got my copy of something worth celebrating and it came with a hand written note, how cute!
i really love their music. i know in my post about their ep i said it's kinda basic, and it is, but idk. something about it really hits for me. i've managed to see them every time they've toured too, which is super cool!
i'm getting a lot of joy out of my music collection again. i'm a magpie, but a cool magpie.
11/27/24
the creator of a project i've been following said they like my fan art and i think i might actually die. like, in a good way, but holy shit. it's not often i get to engage with fandom. i think the last time was like, 2014-2017, when audio dramas were peaking on tumblr. this has just been so gratifying. having people say they like my art, they want prints, having the effort i put in really acknowledged... i feel so special for that.
i was joking with b that i'm like a vending machine, you put in validation and i spit out creativity. i'm already trying to think of what my next project is going to be.
i could work on lapsarian. i should work on lapsarian. i'm just so uninspired for it. like, i can't find the direction i want to go with it. it almost feels like the joy is wearing off because i'm trying so hard to make it something. but like, it should take effort, to make something important. i dunno.
fuck it, i could write the scene that's been rattling around in my head at least.
11/25/24
relating to harrier dubois is so healthy and good and normal and fine, actually, thank you very much.
decoding puzzles feels good. solving things feels good. i like games, because they have answers. there's a mystery and it will be solved.
video games, sure, but unfiction? the community? the eternal mystery? that's better.
i feel separate, alone. like i wrecked it. like i broke something. but what? what did i break? did i break it so bad it can't be fixed this time?
enough navel gazing.
11/22/24
just because you can recognize a breakdown doesn't mean you can stop it, unfortunately. it's like watching a traincrash from the perspective of the train. this fucking sucks. i don't want to be this person. i don't want to keep doing this. to myself. to everyone around me.
i'm tired of feeling. unending, unrelenting, unstoppable feeling. feeling that never stops, never gets better, feeling that overwhelms and chokes like greasy smoke. i'm tired of lashing out when people don't react the way i want. i'm tired of wanting to hurt the people who care about me just because they aren't doing it right.
i just don't understand. i work so hard to be what people want me to be, to be good and funny and interesting, to listen and care and contort myself into becoming whoever is needed. and it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter if i assert myself, insist upon myself, or if i give up and become someone else. because whoever i am, whoever i try to be, nobody wants it. nobody wants me. any of me. all of me. they want what they can get from me and the second it's hard, they're gone. i need to stop pretending otherwise. i need to stop disappointing myself. because it never ends. i set myself up to be hurt and i'm surprised that it happens.
i need to give up on the idea of ever getting what i want.
11/20/24
dark and bitter mood.
there's only so much i can effectively distract myself with. and i'm... out. i don't have it in me to create right now. it sucks. everything just kinda sucks. it's not getting better, it's getting worse. and i can't even talk to anyone about it, because the only person i feel comfortable talking to about it is the worst person i could go to, and isn't even responding to me anyway.
it's hard not to take that personally.
the clouds will pass, as they always do. but they're heavy on me today.
11/19/24
vulnerability is hard. it's almost always worth it, but it's still so goddamn hard.
i've been thinking about worthiness. and like, what it means to be worthy of something. can any of us really be said to be particularly deserving of anything? does it matter what we deserve?
i don't want to explore that further in public, but it's about all i can think about unless i'm actively distracting myself. which is why i'm currently working on about five different projects.
i'm not gonna let this throw me off into an episode, no matter how hard it is to be dealing with. i'll muscle through, like i always do.
it does feel like something has... cracked within me. not entirely broken, but changed. and not for the better.
i'd rather be talking about happier things, but i am determined to make this a true archive. the internet equivalent of some ancient journals, meant for my eyes and anyone who happens to stumble across it. if i squint, i can tell myself i'm the only person visiting, and nobody is reading about how sad i am.
bonuses of being entirely unknown, i guess.
11/16/24
i don't need tarot cards to know what's coming, but it'd be nice if they'd stop telling me to pull my head out of my ass.
at this point politics is almost a welcome break from the circles my mind's been running around.
it's like watching a clown play pretend businessman in the circus, except it's gonna kill actual real life people instead of just blowing water at them from flowers.
it's hard to not believe the conspiracy theories i'm seeing online. i keep having to remind myself that believing in that shit is almost the whole reason we're where we are to begin with. so like, stick to the facts and don't base an ideology on my feelings.
still feels sus
i'm like, avoiding my personal life with politics and avoiding politics with my personal life. and both feel equally bad these past few days.
11/13/24
hey man when did your insides get so ugly
what a weird combination of emotions to be having. i don't like it, not one bit. i like it even less that i don't have anyone i can talk to about it. i mean, i guess what this (embarrassingly public) journal is for. to get myself away from emotional constipation. or something.
that's clearly working.
"two things can be equally true at once" is such bullshit. i want the comfort of black and white thinking, thank you very much.
it's funny, that i got into the habit of writing like there were witnesses so long ago that even in places no one will see, i still feel like i need to couch everything i say in vagueness. like i can't even admit to myself what i'm thinking and feeling.
idk. i'm just lonely, and upset, and confused about why i'm upset, and frustrated that i'm lonely, and pretty pissed off at the concept of emoting at all. the whole thing is annoying and i'd rather skip it. like, cmon.
i'm also being sucked into tiktok conspiracy bullshit hard right now. i know how bad that app is for me, trying to break away from it again and spend my time on healthier things.
i cannot tell you how many books i read after i uninstalled that damn app.
ugh, anyway. you ever feel like you're waiting for someone else's permission to break your own heart?
11/11/24
it feels silly to give moral weight to an emotion, but here i am, judging myself for feeling. i know that i can't help it, but here it is all the same. and completely unfounded, too, just speculation giving rise to jealousy. in a situation where it's not right to be jealous.
given the number of times i've judged other people for not having the obvious conversation to solve a problem instead of sitting in their emotions and getting upset, you'd think i'd have an easier time with this. and yet, you know? it's like i think i can stop myself from feeling something by just ignoring it hard enough. like writing this isn't enough acknowledgement.
woohoo vague rambling.
i feel like my life is fuller now than it has been for a long time, and i'm really grateful for that. it feels like i've found my people, to an extent, and that's uniquely thrilling given that i've spent so much of the last few years so bothered by the fact that i haven't been able to find community. it's lucky. i've been really, really lucky lately.
i am in a good mood, even if it doesn't seem like it from this post. things are really good. i was just caught off guard by my own emotions, and i don't like that feeling of internal imbalance.
i have vague plans to take on some more things in my life i've been putting off. since my birthday i've been more settled into the feeling of like... this is my life. i'm not going to get another chance at it. and if there are things i want to do, need to do, then now is the time to do them. i shouldn't be waiting until some arbitrary thing happens that i don't even know why i'm waiting for, i should just do the things that make me happy because they make me happy.
for me, i think, that means more music. more tarot readings. more playlists. more records spinning. more games, movies, books. i'm not going to be self-indulgent to the point of neglecting responsibility entirely, but i am going to stop waiting, since i don't even know what it is i'm waiting for.
11/09/24
exciting day!
you may have noticed that there are links in the sidebar for "hang out with friends" and "put on some tunes" now. happy to say i'll be including music reviews and links to some of my favorite sites now! thanks to my friends encouraging me c:
i was also able to roll up a character for my new dnd campaign and i'm so excited. i feel like we're gonna have so much fun! i'll be playing an aberrant mind sorcerer. might share more about it later!
i feel more grounded today than i have the last few. i'm still having some trouble sleeping but i think that'll pass. i mean, as much as chronic insomnia ever does.
i need to find new art to work on but i'm in such a slump. i'd like to start posting the novel i'm working on (lapsarian) serially here, so that may be a thing you see soon if i can overcome this writer's block.
kind of along those lines, i've been thinking about the quality of art a lot lately. mostly because i read a book that was just so bad. but... it exists. it was a complete and finished thing, and other people have read it. unlike my books, which only exist in my head. so which is better? the imperfect thing that's out in the world, or the perfect thing in my imagination?
i think that question applies to a lot of things.
11/08/24
well, i found a bit of my optimism again, so at least there's that.
under any system of government, even the most ideal, we have to stand in community with one another. that's kinda the whole point of... everything, i guess.
so, in the spirit of optimism (and not fucking ruminating on how bad things can get).
i've been really into this series called vermis malum lately. getting to connect with people has been nice, since i've been feeling so isolated lately.
i'm also working on adding new sections to the site. i'd like to have a space for music, a space to recommend other cool stuff i find online, maybe somewhere to talk about what i'm reading. i dunno, but i do think i'll start with music. maybe i can start posting my concert photos here as well.
gotta keep goin', keep truckin', keep lovin' on one another 'til the world figures out its shit.
11/07/24
well, the site is fully live and we're rocking and rolling. i'm already thinking of other things i can add, but for now i think i just want to feel proud of myself for the work i've done here, as basic as this site is.
it's right after the us election has officially been decided and i'm having a lot of big feelings. i think everyone is. it's scary. it feels... isolating. how do you talk about this? how do you put into words the dread, the fear, the sadness?
it's like, anyone who would get it already feels it and doesn't need it explained to them, and anyone who would need it explained to them isn't worth having the conversation with.
i dunno.
crazy that this is the first thing i'm writing about here. that feels... significant.
11/04/24
this is a temporary post to start the archive