journal
11/25/24
relating to harrier dubois is so healthy and good and normal and fine, actually, thank you very much.
decoding puzzles feels good. solving things feels good. i like games, because they have answers. there's a mystery and it will be solved.
video games, sure, but unfiction? the community? the eternal mystery? that's better.
i feel separate, alone. like i wrecked it. like i broke something. but what? what did i break? did i break it so bad it can't be fixed this time?
enough navel gazing.
11/22/24
just because you can recognize a breakdown doesn't mean you can stop it, unfortunately. it's like watching a traincrash from the perspective of the train. this fucking sucks. i don't want to be this person. i don't want to keep doing this. to myself. to everyone around me.
i'm tired of feeling. unending, unrelenting, unstoppable feeling. feeling that never stops, never gets better, feeling that overwhelms and chokes like greasy smoke. i'm tired of lashing out when people don't react the way i want. i'm tired of wanting to hurt the people who care about me just because they aren't doing it right.
i just don't understand. i work so hard to be what people want me to be, to be good and funny and interesting, to listen and care and contort myself into becoming whoever is needed. and it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter if i assert myself, insist upon myself, or if i give up and become someone else. because whoever i am, whoever i try to be, nobody wants it. nobody wants me. any of me. all of me. they want what they can get from me and the second it's hard, they're gone. i need to stop pretending otherwise. i need to stop disappointing myself. because it never ends. i set myself up to be hurt and i'm surprised that it happens.
i need to give up on the idea of ever getting what i want.
11/20/24
dark and bitter mood.
there's only so much i can effectively distract myself with. and i'm... out. i don't have it in me to create right now. it sucks. everything just kinda sucks. it's not getting better, it's getting worse. and i can't even talk to anyone about it, because the only person i feel comfortable talking to about it is the worst person i could go to, and isn't even responding to me anyway.
it's hard not to take that personally.
the clouds will pass, as they always do. but they're heavy on me today.
11/19/24
vulnerability is hard. it's almost always worth it, but it's still so goddamn hard.
i've been thinking about worthiness. and like, what it means to be worthy of something. can any of us really be said to be particularly deserving of anything? does it matter what we deserve?
i don't want to explore that further in public, but it's about all i can think about unless i'm actively distracting myself. which is why i'm currently working on about five different projects.
i'm not gonna let this throw me off into an episode, no matter how hard it is to be dealing with. i'll muscle through, like i always do.
it does feel like something has... cracked within me. not entirely broken, but changed. and not for the better.
i'd rather be talking about happier things, but i am determined to make this a true archive. the internet equivalent of some ancient journals, meant for my eyes and anyone who happens to stumble across it. if i squint, i can tell myself i'm the only person visiting, and nobody is reading about how sad i am.
bonuses of being entirely unknown, i guess.
11/16/24
i don't need tarot cards to know what's coming, but it'd be nice if they'd stop telling me to pull my head out of my ass.
at this point politics is almost a welcome break from the circles my mind's been running around.
it's like watching a clown play pretend businessman in the circus, except it's gonna kill actual real life people instead of just blowing water at them from flowers.
it's hard to not believe the conspiracy theories i'm seeing online. i keep having to remind myself that believing in that shit is almost the whole reason we're where we are to begin with. so like, stick to the facts and don't base an ideology on my feelings.
still feels sus
i'm like, avoiding my personal life with politics and avoiding politics with my personal life. and both feel equally bad these past few days.
11/13/24
hey man when did your insides get so ugly
what a weird combination of emotions to be having. i don't like it, not one bit. i like it even less that i don't have anyone i can talk to about it. i mean, i guess what this (embarrassingly public) journal is for. to get myself away from emotional constipation. or something.
that's clearly working.
"two things can be equally true at once" is such bullshit. i want the comfort of black and white thinking, thank you very much.
it's funny, that i got into the habit of writing like there were witnesses so long ago that even in places no one will see, i still feel like i need to couch everything i say in vagueness. like i can't even admit to myself what i'm thinking and feeling.
idk. i'm just lonely, and upset, and confused about why i'm upset, and frustrated that i'm lonely, and pretty pissed off at the concept of emoting at all. the whole thing is annoying and i'd rather skip it. like, cmon.
i'm also being sucked into tiktok conspiracy bullshit hard right now. i know how bad that app is for me, trying to break away from it again and spend my time on healthier things.
i cannot tell you how many books i read after i uninstalled that damn app.
ugh, anyway. you ever feel like you're waiting for someone else's permission to break your own heart?
11/11/24
it feels silly to give moral weight to an emotion, but here i am, judging myself for feeling. i know that i can't help it, but here it is all the same. and completely unfounded, too, just speculation giving rise to jealousy. in a situation where it's not right to be jealous.
given the number of times i've judged other people for not having the obvious conversation to solve a problem instead of sitting in their emotions and getting upset, you'd think i'd have an easier time with this. and yet, you know? it's like i think i can stop myself from feeling something by just ignoring it hard enough. like writing this isn't enough acknowledgement.
woohoo vague rambling.
i feel like my life is fuller now than it has been for a long time, and i'm really grateful for that. it feels like i've found my people, to an extent, and that's uniquely thrilling given that i've spent so much of the last few years so bothered by the fact that i haven't been able to find community. it's lucky. i've been really, really lucky lately.
i am in a good mood, even if it doesn't seem like it from this post. things are really good. i was just caught off guard by my own emotions, and i don't like that feeling of internal imbalance.
i have vague plans to take on some more things in my life i've been putting off. since my birthday i've been more settled into the feeling of like... this is my life. i'm not going to get another chance at it. and if there are things i want to do, need to do, then now is the time to do them. i shouldn't be waiting until some arbitrary thing happens that i don't even know why i'm waiting for, i should just do the things that make me happy because they make me happy.
for me, i think, that means more music. more tarot readings. more playlists. more records spinning. more games, movies, books. i'm not going to be self-indulgent to the point of neglecting responsibility entirely, but i am going to stop waiting, since i don't even know what it is i'm waiting for.
11/09/24
exciting day!
you may have noticed that there are links in the sidebar for "hang out with friends" and "put on some tunes" now. happy to say i'll be including music reviews and links to some of my favorite sites now! thanks to my friends encouraging me c:
i was also able to roll up a character for my new dnd campaign and i'm so excited. i feel like we're gonna have so much fun! i'll be playing an aberrant mind sorcerer. might share more about it later!
i feel more grounded today than i have the last few. i'm still having some trouble sleeping but i think that'll pass. i mean, as much as chronic insomnia ever does.
i need to find new art to work on but i'm in such a slump. i'd like to start posting the novel i'm working on (lapsarian) serially here, so that may be a thing you see soon if i can overcome this writer's block.
kind of along those lines, i've been thinking about the quality of art a lot lately. mostly because i read a book that was just so bad. but... it exists. it was a complete and finished thing, and other people have read it. unlike my books, which only exist in my head. so which is better? the imperfect thing that's out in the world, or the perfect thing in my imagination?
i think that question applies to a lot of things.
11/08/24
well, i found a bit of my optimism again, so at least there's that.
under any system of government, even the most ideal, we have to stand in community with one another. that's kinda the whole point of... everything, i guess.
so, in the spirit of optimism (and not fucking ruminating on how bad things can get).
i've been really into this series called vermis malum lately. getting to connect with people has been nice, since i've been feeling so isolated lately.
i'm also working on adding new sections to the site. i'd like to have a space for music, a space to recommend other cool stuff i find online, maybe somewhere to talk about what i'm reading. i dunno, but i do think i'll start with music. maybe i can start posting my concert photos here as well.
gotta keep goin', keep truckin', keep lovin' on one another 'til the world figures out its shit.
11/07/24
well, the site is fully live and we're rocking and rolling. i'm already thinking of other things i can add, but for now i think i just want to feel proud of myself for the work i've done here, as basic as this site is.
it's right after the us election has officially been decided and i'm having a lot of big feelings. i think everyone is. it's scary. it feels... isolating. how do you talk about this? how do you put into words the dread, the fear, the sadness?
it's like, anyone who would get it already feels it and doesn't need it explained to them, and anyone who would need it explained to them isn't worth having the conversation with.
i dunno.
crazy that this is the first thing i'm writing about here. that feels... significant.
11/04/24
this is a temporary post to start the archive